summer wrap-up.

It's been a couple months since my last post, and now here I sit, enjoying my last day before I head back to my beautiful IWU to begin my sophomore year. And surprisingly, I'm experiencing some mixed emotions about it.

While it sometimes seemed like this day would never arrive, it boggles my mind to think just how quickly this summer has passed. Last summer seemed to drag on forever...it seemed like college would never arrive, and then the year flew by much more quickly than I ever expected. My older friends have told me that time passes much faster the older you get, and I'm beginning to see the truth in that. Honestly, it's a little scary to think about, because it leads me to believe that before I'm really ready, it will be time to leave IWU, put what I've learned into practice, and be fully independent. Good thing I'm only a sophomore, because I'm surely not ready for that yet.

Thinking back over my freshman year, I'm not sure I took full advantage of all the opportunities that were presented to me--social, academic and otherwise. I wish I would have signed up to be a mentor, help with NSO, something to push me outside my shell. I kept to myself a lot, never really interacting with the other Shatford girls. As a result, I felt like no one outside of my unit really knew me. I had friends in other dorms, and toward the end of the year my social skills definitely improved, but looking back, I would have stepped outside myself more and let people get to know me. That's the first thing on my list to change for this year.

This has been a summer of change for me (and I don't just mean my perm and new ear piercings.) I feel like my HEART has changed. I spent much too much of this summer focused on my job--I worked 8 hours a day, 5 days a week so I didn't have much of a choice. But by the end of my run, I was so physically and mentally exhausted that it was difficult to drag myself out of bed each morning. I felt like my priorities were entirely off. Most days, it didn't even feel like God was on my list of things to be concerned with, and that concerned me. More than that, I was spending my entire summer doing something that I didn't really enjoy. Yes, the money was a plus, but I felt like I could have been doing something more...something I enjoyed. After coming to this realization, I am seriously considering whether or not I will be returning to the Fort Wayne Children's Zoo next summer, because only after I was able to get time away from my job did I feel like I could refocus myself again. In this time, I've become convicted that I'm so tired of living lukewarm for God. This year, I am determined to live passionately and wholeheartedly for Him. I don't feel like I did that last year, so that's another thing that's definitely going to change.

So, in conclusion, here's my to-do list this year:

1. Fall in deep, passionate love with God
2. Step outside my shell
3. Push myself academically
4. Take life as it comes

Here's to another year, even better than the last :)

Of revelations and reality checks.

I realize I've failed miserably at posting regularly here...I believe it's been about two months since my last entry. My life has simply been uneventful since I left IWU for the summer. I can actually sum it up in one word: work. I really doubt anyone would find that interesting. However, I feel inspired to share what God has been teaching me in the past few weeks, so here I am.

I had a lot of expectations for this summer. My biggest one was to come out of it with a boyfriend. As often happens, however, God seems to have a different plan, because unless something drastically changes, it looks as though I will be heading back to school in September in the same unattached state. It's a long story to go into, but the gist of it is that I took a chance on a guy who has let me down many times in the past. I let myself believe that he had changed for the better, but he proved me wrong. Thus, here I sit, single and disappointed.

We had an enlightening conversation the other night that successfully crushed every idea I had about his depth of feeling for me and his motives for our relationship. I've been stewing about it for the past two days, trying desperately to move past the anger and disappointment I feel toward him for, once again, disillusioning me and leaving me heartbroken. It's not happening yet, but with time and help from God and my extremely loyal friends, I am getting by little by little.

As I was letting my mind wander at work today, a scene from the movie "The Holiday" popped into my head. If you don't know the premise of the movie, two women, one from England and one from Los Angeles, switch houses for two weeks over Christmas, desperate to escape the men (or lack of men) in their lives. This particular scene occurs at the end of the movie, when Iris, the Englishwoman, receives a surprise visit from her boss, a recently engaged man that she has been in love with for years but fails to reciprocate her feelings. However, in this scene, he comes to Los Angeles to try to regain her affection:


Jasper: You know what I was thinking? When you get back to London, maybe we could sneak off somewhere together. Maybe Venice. You and me in Venice could be good.

Iris: Do you mean that? I mean, are you free to do that?

Jasper: Darling, I've just traveled halfway across the world to see you, haven't I?

Iris: [Iris & Jasper almost kiss before Iris pulls away] Yeah, that doesn't exactly answer my question. So, are you not with Sarah anymore? I mean, is that what you've come here to tell me?

Jasper: I wish you could just accept knowing how confused I am about all this.

Iris: Okay, let me translate that. So, you are still engaged to be married?

Jasper: Yes, but, I mean...

Iris: Oh, my God. This was a really close call. You know, I never really though I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole.

Jasper: You cannot mean that.

Iris: The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever.

Jasper: Oh, babe.

Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it.

I am thoroughly impressed with Iris in this scene. I imagine that this is one of the most difficult things she has ever done. The man she has been in love with for years is offering her the world, everything she has ever desired from him, and yet she has the strength to stand up and say that enough is enough. "This twisted, toxic thing between us is finally finished!" she exclaims. She finally sees the lies and manipulation hidden beneath the lofty promises, and successfully removes the poison from her life, finally allowing herself to live on her own terms.

I find that, as of late, Iris and I are cut from the same cloth. I have been in love with the aforementioned guy for quite a while. Whenever he needs me, I am at his beck and call. For the past six months (maybe even longer) I have built my entire life around him and his happiness, because I allowed myself to hope that if I stood by him relentlessly for long enough, he would see how much I loved him and love me back just as fiercely. For a while, it seemed that I was going to get my wish. My formerly bad boy would turn into my prince charming, and we would live happily ever after with a fantastic story to tell our children someday about how love conquers all obstacles. Unfortunately, life is not a romantic comedy. God had other plans, and it seems they do not include this particular boy. Not at the moment, anyway. And I find myself perfectly content with my singleness for the first time in a very long time. This twisted, toxic thing between us is finally finished. As difficult as it is, I find I must detach myself from it before it drags me down further.

The lesson here is this: every woman desires to be desired. God made us that way. We are a reflection of Him: We desire to be desired by men just as God desires to be desired by us. In our quest to be loved, however, we cannot lower our standards. Every woman deserves a man who will cherish her as much as her Heavenly Father cherishes her. He made us with the greatest precision...He knows the number of hairs on our head. He has planned something special for each of His daughters, and if we settle for less, we will never experience His best. Bad boys may be exciting and unpredictable, but life is not a movie. Not every bad boy turns out to be good in the end. Each of us must decide what is best for our hearts before giving them away to someone who does not deserve them. "The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord" (Psalm 45:11).

Rest in God's peace today, and trust that you are all beautiful and precious in God's sight.

in His unending love,
Liz

My heart is open.

As my first year of college comes to a close, I have come to realize how drastically different I am from the girl who first drove onto the Indiana Wesleyan campus eight months ago.

The year has passed quickly--too quickly in some ways. While I am glad to be going home to my friends and glad for the much needed reprieve from schoolwork, I am going to miss my newfound independence and all the connections I've made here since September. It seems that just as I am finally feeling completely adjusted, it's time to return home to Fort Wayne, my summer job, and Casa Curry, where my parents, not I, have the final say in my choices.

As I think back to my senior year of high school, I remember how anxious I was to leave Fort Wayne. I could not wait to come here, because I was sure that college would be different for me than high school. "People will know me in college," I told myself. "I won't be the shy girl who never talks. No one knows my history here...I can be someone completely different if I want to be. And I want to be." Turns out, making that change was easier said than done.

I came here confident in a bright future ahead of me, confident that the quiet girl from Fort Wayne would be no more. It didn't take me long, however, to find out that no matter how hard I tried, making that big of a change was not easy for me. I found I couldn't warm up and form the close relationships I wanted to form as easily as others I was meeting, and that frustrated me. While I made some friends, I found that in some ways trying so hard to be different from the person I was had the opposite effect--I began to shut down instead of opening up. As a result, I went through a desert period...I spent a lot of time in my room, on my computer, choosing not to interact with much of anyone. I made friends; however, as I saw it, I wasn't making enough of them, and I wasn't sure how to fix it. As badly as I had wanted to leave Fort Wayne, I found myself wishing for home and its familiarity. As badly as I had wanted to be somewhere where no one knew me, I was suddenly wishing to be in a place where I was known. I had to rely on God in my loneliness like never before, but He pulled me through and made me stronger.

After a while, I figured out the solution to my problem. I needed to learn to be happy with who I was, instead of trying so hard to change. I soon realized that when I started just being ME, people didn't dislike me. On the contrary, the friends I have made seem to have no problem with the fact that there are some times when I just choose not to talk. I'm not as outgoing as some of the friends I've made here, and I've learned to be okay with that. God didn't make me loud and crazy. He made me quiet. He made me a thinker. He made me a listener. and He's shown me how to be a good friend to everyone who needs one. People have to work harder to get to know me, but once they start trying, they usually like what they find. At least, I think so. I've never really had anyone show me otherwise :)

Fast forward to the present. I have friends....friends I hope to keep for the rest of my life. I have a social life. I have confidence in myself.

so, in short, here's what I've found in my first year here at IWU:
1. I've found amazing friends.
2. I've found a stronger faith in God.
3. I've found independence.
4. I've found a confidence I didn't realize I had.
and last but not least...
5. I've found ME.

And while I haven't found my future husband or a cure for procrastination, I'd say that's a pretty good start :)

In His Love,
Liz

Facebook haterade.

When I logged onto facebook today, I noticed a new link posted from a group I joined, called "protect marriage: one man, one woman." Now, when I got the invitation for this group, I was like, "okay, this lines up with my beliefs. Why not, I'll join." When I saw the caption of the link that had been posted, however, my stomach twisted a little and I began to regret joining this particular group. Essentially, the link was a news story about a homosexual immigrant man who tricked a heterosexual woman into marrying him so that he could get a green card. The caption above the link, posted by the creator of the group, read as follows:

"Here's an example of the point of view gay people have of marriage. For them, it's a means to an end. For this gay man, marriage was the means to a green card. For the rest of the homosexuals, since it's all they whine about, marriage is merely the means for them to get government benefits. Can you see how marriage is just a 'tool' for them?"

There were some brave souls who commented and called the leader of this group out, but others agreed wholeheartedly. I don't know how this comes off to all of you, but it came off to me as an attack, judgmental and hateful, and it made me sick. I certainly don't agree with gay marriage, but I also believe that we are all sinners, whether homosexual or heterosexual, and Christ died for sinners. We are called to LOVE them, because Christ loved them enough to die for them, just as He did for us. The bible says that to the measure which we judge others on earth, that is the same measure God will judge us in heaven. I admit, I struggle with this just as much as the next person. But I say that we stop spewing self-righteous hypocrisy and start LOVING others as God calls us to love...by loving EVERYONE.

I'm all for freedom of speech, but tell me, whatever happened to common human decency?

Looking beyond the mirror.

As I strip off my clothes at the end of the day to prepare for an evening of comfort and "homework" (a.k.a. a few aimless hours of shameless facebook stalking) I study myself in the mirror. As I do, I see an average looking face that has never seemed to capture much attention. I see a stomach that would benefit from a hardcore ab workout. I see thighs that, without the restricting power of my blue jeans, could use some serious toning. I see all of this as I look at myself through my human eyes, and I frown in disappointment. "If you could only be prettier," I think to myself.

Then, in the stillness, I hear a whisper.

"Look beyond the mirror, my daughter."

Heeding the whisper, I begin to consider myself from a new perspective, beyond what the image in the mirror tells me. Instead of seeing something average, I see something extraordinary.

I see a heart that longs to love with reckless abandon, and be loved in the same way. I see a quiet, joyful spirit that loves a good laugh and good friends more than anything, and would go to any length just to brighten someone's day. I see a deep, lasting joy that cannot be quenched by negative thoughts or worldly troubles. I see a girl who has been matured and strengthened by the trials that have come her way. I see a heart washed clean by the blood of a Savior. I see myself as God's beautiful, beloved daughter, created for His glory.

As I consider my identity beyond the mirror, I find myself beginning to see the image in the mirror a different way. I find that, all things considered, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Rather, what I see is not such a bad thing after all. In fact, while it is not a model-esque image, it is beautiful in its own way--because I realize in that moment that it is not an image that can be found anywhere else in the entire world. It is mine alone, and that is a thought to be treasured.

We had a presentation in my social problems class this morning about eating disorders, and the group revealed that girls as young as six years old in society today are struggling with anorexia and bulimia. Six years old. Most girls start considering their physical image between ages 9 and 11. It starts young, friends. Too young. No six year old girl should have to spend time feeling so insecure about her image that she destroys her own body. No girl PERIOD should have to.

Every girl remembers the days of Barbie. She was the young girl's standard of perfection. Consider this, though. An interesting study was done about what Barbie's real life proportions would be, and they are terribly unrealistic. Real life Barbie would be six feet tall, weigh 100 pounds, and wear a size four. She would have a 39 inch bust size (think 39 FF bra size), a 19 inch waist, and 33 inch hips. Basically, she would lack the ability to walk from being so top heavy, and she'd probably require numerous back surgeries.

God made each of us different and beautiful in our own way, and I think it's time the world stopped selling beauty in one-size-fits-all package. We weren't all made to be models. Our bodies are temples, and God desires us to show them respect, no matter how they look to us.

Ladies, don't let anyone tell you that you aren't beautiful, because you have a heavenly Father who would soundly disagree.

1 Samuel 16:7--"...For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

In love,

Liz

Do you know Him?

"Christianity means nothing to them unless it means everything to us."

The name of the pastor who is the author of this statement escapes me, but when it was quoted during the sermon at church tonight, it really stuck with me. It got me thinking about how strongly I live out my faith each day, and how big a part it plays in my daily life. How often do I express the importance of Christ in my life to those around me? Sometimes, I fear, not often enough.

According to statistics, 70% of Americans call themselves Christians, but only 40% can be found in church on any given Sunday. Of that 40% of regular church attenders, I wonder what percentage actually has an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ? Ask any person on the street who they believe Jesus was, and chances are, they would tell you that they've heard of Jesus. Most might even believe that he existed, and others might tell you that he was a good man or a prophet. But how many would answer that He was their Lord, Savior, and Friend, a crucial presence in their daily existence?

It is possible to know Jesus without really knowing Him. Matthew 7:21-23 says "Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord' will enter the kingdom of Heaven, but only he who does the will of my father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?' Then I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you. Away from me, evildoers!" Knowing Jesus and having a relationship with Him requires much more than believing He existed, and it even requires more than doing good deeds in His name. We are called to "be ready to give an answer for the hope that we have." Having a personal, intimate relationship with Jesus requires an intimate knowledge of who He is, and the ability to reinforce those beliefs with scripture. If it is not evident in our daily interactions with others that we know Jesus on a deep, personal level, we can have no hope of being a light to those who do not.

I don't claim to have it all figured out. I have to work at my faith every day, sometimes harder than should be necessary after six years of calling myself a Christian. I've made mistakes, learned from them, and been changed along the way. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I never will be. But thankfully, I serve a God who is.

My Jesus is my savior.

My Jesus is my deliverer.

My Jesus is my friend.

My Jesus is my rock.

My Jesus is beautiful.

My Jesus is the healer of the afflicted.

My Jesus is eternal.

My Jesus is the Lord of my life.

My Jesus is the King of Kings.

My Jesus is the Son of God.

My Jesus is love beyond compare.

That's my Jesus. Do you know Him?

spring break!

after a week of crazy cramming and late nights, the students of IWU finally have a moment to breathe. A whole week of moments.

A whole week of home.

Of relaxation.

Of reunions.

Of reenergizing.

No schedules, no professors, no textbooks. (well, not for a few days, anyway. I brought home a bagload.)

Ahh, lovely.

Enjoy it, everyone :)