I realize I've failed miserably at posting regularly here...I believe it's been about two months since my last entry. My life has simply been uneventful since I left IWU for the summer. I can actually sum it up in one word: work. I really doubt anyone would find that interesting. However, I feel inspired to share what God has been teaching me in the past few weeks, so here I am.
I had a lot of expectations for this summer. My biggest one was to come out of it with a boyfriend. As often happens, however, God seems to have a different plan, because unless something drastically changes, it looks as though I will be heading back to school in September in the same unattached state. It's a long story to go into, but the gist of it is that I took a chance on a guy who has let me down many times in the past. I let myself believe that he had changed for the better, but he proved me wrong. Thus, here I sit, single and disappointed.
We had an enlightening conversation the other night that successfully crushed every idea I had about his depth of feeling for me and his motives for our relationship. I've been stewing about it for the past two days, trying desperately to move past the anger and disappointment I feel toward him for, once again, disillusioning me and leaving me heartbroken. It's not happening yet, but with time and help from God and my extremely loyal friends, I am getting by little by little.
As I was letting my mind wander at work today, a scene from the movie "The Holiday" popped into my head. If you don't know the premise of the movie, two women, one from England and one from Los Angeles, switch houses for two weeks over Christmas, desperate to escape the men (or lack of men) in their lives. This particular scene occurs at the end of the movie, when Iris, the Englishwoman, receives a surprise visit from her boss, a recently engaged man that she has been in love with for years but fails to reciprocate her feelings. However, in this scene, he comes to Los Angeles to try to regain her affection:
Jasper: You know what I was thinking? When you get back to London, maybe we could sneak off somewhere together. Maybe Venice. You and me in Venice could be good.
Iris: Do you mean that? I mean, are you free to do that?
Jasper: Darling, I've just traveled halfway across the world to see you, haven't I?
Iris: [Iris & Jasper almost kiss before Iris pulls away] Yeah, that doesn't exactly answer my question. So, are you not with Sarah anymore? I mean, is that what you've come here to tell me?
Jasper: I wish you could just accept knowing how confused I am about all this.
Iris: Okay, let me translate that. So, you are still engaged to be married?
Jasper: Yes, but, I mean...
Iris: Oh, my God. This was a really close call. You know, I never really though I'd say this, literally never, but I think you were absolutely right about us. Very square peg, very round hole.
Jasper: You cannot mean that.
Iris: The great thing is I actually do. And I'm about three years late in telling you this, but nevertheless I need to say it. Jasper. Wait, I need the lights on. Jasper, you have never treated me right. Ever.
Jasper: Oh, babe.
Iris: Shush. You broke my heart. And you acted like somehow it was my fault, my misunderstanding, and I was too in love with you to ever be mad at you, so I just punished myself! For years! But you waltzing in here on my lovely Christmas holiday, and telling me that you don't want to lose me whilst you're about to get MARRIED, somehow newly entitles me to say, it's over. This - This twisted, toxic THING between us, is finally finished! I'm miraculously done being in love with you! Ha! I've got a life to start living. And you're not going to be in it.
I am thoroughly impressed with Iris in this scene. I imagine that this is one of the most difficult things she has ever done. The man she has been in love with for years is offering her the world, everything she has ever desired from him, and yet she has the strength to stand up and say that enough is enough. "This twisted, toxic thing between us is finally finished!" she exclaims. She finally sees the lies and manipulation hidden beneath the lofty promises, and successfully removes the poison from her life, finally allowing herself to live on her own terms.
I find that, as of late, Iris and I are cut from the same cloth. I have been in love with the aforementioned guy for quite a while. Whenever he needs me, I am at his beck and call. For the past six months (maybe even longer) I have built my entire life around him and his happiness, because I allowed myself to hope that if I stood by him relentlessly for long enough, he would see how much I loved him and love me back just as fiercely. For a while, it seemed that I was going to get my wish. My formerly bad boy would turn into my prince charming, and we would live happily ever after with a fantastic story to tell our children someday about how love conquers all obstacles. Unfortunately, life is not a romantic comedy. God had other plans, and it seems they do not include this particular boy. Not at the moment, anyway. And I find myself perfectly content with my singleness for the first time in a very long time. This twisted, toxic thing between us is finally finished. As difficult as it is, I find I must detach myself from it before it drags me down further.
The lesson here is this: every woman desires to be desired. God made us that way. We are a reflection of Him: We desire to be desired by men just as God desires to be desired by us. In our quest to be loved, however, we cannot lower our standards. Every woman deserves a man who will cherish her as much as her Heavenly Father cherishes her. He made us with the greatest precision...He knows the number of hairs on our head. He has planned something special for each of His daughters, and if we settle for less, we will never experience His best. Bad boys may be exciting and unpredictable, but life is not a movie. Not every bad boy turns out to be good in the end. Each of us must decide what is best for our hearts before giving them away to someone who does not deserve them. "The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord" (Psalm 45:11).
Rest in God's peace today, and trust that you are all beautiful and precious in God's sight.
in His unending love,
Liz
