Lately, I have become increasingly aware of an overpowering apathy that has taken root in multiple areas of my life, and simply refuses to be moved. I realized this last night when I spent the entire evening alone in my room watching movies on my computer, instead of out experiencing the life that beautiful IWU offers.
First, I have become socially apathetic. I realized that lately, this is where life happens for me when I'm not in class...alone, in my room, on my computer instead of spending time forming new relationships. Don't get me wrong, being the introvert that I am, I need my time alone to reenergize and collect my thoughts. But lately, it feels like i've been having too much of it, and when I'm here, at the place I looked forward to for a year in advance, it doesn't feel normal to me. I don't feel like I'm making as much of my first year as I should be.
Not only have I become socially apathetic, but I've also found myself becoming spiritually apathetic. I go to chapel three times a week as is required, and I go to church most sundays, but that's about as far as it goes. I rarely make time during the week to just BE with God, even though we have a beautiful little prayer chapel on campus for that exact purpose. I always tell myself I will, but something else always ends up being more important. Last semester, I used to go to ALTAR, a student-led college worship service at a local church, nearly every Saturday night. This semester, however, I've been finding excuse after excuse not to go, and I'm not sure why. Most Sundays, I do get up and go to church, but some days, like today, for instance, I decide to sleep in instead.
And last, but not least, I have become academically apathetic. I'm sure there's a lot of students here, and everywhere, who could claim this one, but it's still a big problem. I switched from journalism to social work and psychology this semester, and while I absolutely love it and feel a passion for it, I feel no motivation to keep up with the reading or study for tests. I've been doing okay and keeping my head above water, but I know that I can do better. Four out of my five classes this semester can be related back to my majors. This is what I want to do with the rest of my life. Yet I can find no motivation to increase my knowledge. Maybe it's because spring break is quickly approaching, or maybe it's just me. It's a problem either way.
I don't mind being alone. I never have. But when it feels like I'm retreating into myself 90% of the time, I realize that this is not who I wanted to be in college. In high school, I was always the quiet one. Always. I resolved when I came here that I wanted to be known and that I wanted to make the most of the opportunities that came my way. I resolved that I wanted to grow in my relationship with God. I resolved that I wanted to excel in the classes that would help me in my future career, whatever that might be. Right now, it feels like none of that is happening, and right now, I'm resolving to make an honest effort to improve. I only have four years here (God willing) and so help me, I am going to make them count.
No comments:
Post a Comment