I am not.

I'm beginning to enjoy making this a part of my daily routine. I forgot how freeing it is to just sit quietly and write, even if no one reads it :)

My mood improved drastically after my "apathetic" post yesterday. I got out of bed, finished watching a movie on Youtube that I had started the night before (a recent, and very good, adaptation of Jane Austen's "Emma" that I had never seen), worked out for half an hour, spent some quality Jesus time in the prayer chapel, and spent the rest of the evening out with my roommate and a couple new friends I had never really talked to before. So, while my reading didn't get done for this morning, I enjoyed my day immensely :)

I spent my time in the prayer chapel reading through the last half of Job, and as I did, God began to impress something very important on my heart: I am not, nor will I ever be, God, and it is time that I stopped pretending otherwise.

Some of you may know the situation that's been causing such a struggle in my life lately. I may have even mentioned it in my first post, I can't remember. Anyway, because of that, I've been having serious trust issues in the past few months to the point that I'm not even sure how to pray about it anymore since what I want and what God might want are not exactly lining up. I feel selfish praying for what I want to happen, and I WANT to pray for God's will to be carried out, but I am afraid that if I do that I won't like the result. I fear that if MY will isn't done, I will have a difficult time believing that it will someday work out for His good.

As I read through the story of Job, certain verses stuck out to me:

"But He is unchangeable, and who can turn Him back? What He desires, that He does." (23:13)

"Behold, these are but the outskirts of His ways, and how small a whisper do we hear of Him? But the thunder of His power who can understand?" (26:14)

I was also drawn to chapters 38-41, in which the Lord answers Job. His answers come in the form of rhetorical questions:

"where were you when I...?"
"Can you...?"
"Do you know...?"
"Is it by your command that...?"
"Who has...?"

and so on.

Essentially, God is asking Job, "Are you God? Do you know more than I do?" And as I was reading that, I felt God asking me the same thing. I was forced to answer, "I am not." I think this is something we need to remind ourselves daily, especially in times of great trial.

We are not God. We never have been and we never will be. But we serve a God knows infinitely more than we do and is infinitely bigger and more faithful and loving than we can comprehend. "He looks to the ends of the earth and sees everything under the Heavens" (28:24). Even when God does not give us the things we think we need, and when we feel like the world may come crashing down around us at any moment, He will still be there to hold us up.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tried me, I shall come out as gold...for He will complete what He appoints for me, and many such things are in His mind." (23:10, 14)